For lily

For lily

his pain

his pain

i still don’t understand.

flowers on anniversaries, sweet kisses on her forehead,

to end like this?


i loved her,

he said.

holding hands at the movies, recording a song for her as a voice mail.

i waited for her,

he said.

i know.

i know.

I remember how she would listen to those songs on the bus,

how she would smile so wide at those flowers,

how nervous she was for the first date.

it’s so hard,

he said,

to hate someone you used to love

so much.

I know,

i know.

smiling to the camera, doing her makeup for a dance.

walking my dog together, every day.

drinking orange juice and eating peta chips after school.

We grew apart like two trees-

close together as saplings,

but leaning away from each other slowly.

She was my bestfriend.

she told me that she gave me time to fix it,

he said,

and that i missed my chance.

Giddy and giggling, that’s how I remember how she was when he asked her out

all those years ago.

Blushing when I teased her about him,

frowning nervously before her first date.

No, we are not the same at all.

she told me that she’d changed,

and that she doesn’t think she loves me anymore,

he said.

We had leaned away slowly.

We coupled off, she with him, and then, me with mine,

but it wasn’t just that.

It wasn’t good enough to try anymore, for her.

She made new friends,

and so did I.

But she stopped saying yes to sleeping over,

stopped staying after school.

No more walking Sadie on a nice afternoon.

she stopped answering my calls and messages,

he said.

Cuddling on the floor of my room in a sleeping bag, whispering into the night.

she went out with him alone,

and didn’t even mention it to me,

he said.

Watching youtube videos on our laptops, sitting out in the sun.

she said that it wasn’t cheating,

that it didn’t count,

he said.

Frowning disapprovingly at my boyfriend, standing me up.

but she moved on before she was even done with me,

he said.

You and I know that that’s infidelity,

I said.

yes, I do, he said.

Forgetting to visit me after surgery, not saying hi to me in the hall.

i blamed myself all the same,

he said.

Not asking for my opinion on your prom dress, calling my passion for makeup silly.

but she’s changed so much since we broke up,

he said.

How you leaned on my shoulder when we were with our other old friends,

How we talked and laughed,

as if we did this all the time.

And how I didn’t try to correct them.

You implied that you and him were done,

and noticed you texting the new guy the entire time.

But I assumed that you had already done it.

I would have never imagined what you have done.

she manipulated me into waiting for her,

he said,

and she put a veil over my eyes,

so i wouldn’t see how much time she spent with him instead of me,

he said.

Yelling at me when I disagree with you, not making eye contact with me for weeks.

Seeing you and him together, hand and hand, on accident.

Ignoring my pain to avoid your own guilt.

i thought she was beautiful, kind and gentle,

he said,

but just suffering from stress.

she called me petty when we got into an argument, after we ended,

he said.

she told me to not tell anyone lies,

(the lie being that she cheated)

he said.

i have been tricked and betrayed by this girl i loved,

and i can’t even fight her now because i don’t want to hurt her.

We leaned away slowly,

but now we have split

down the center.

oh lily,

I have nothing left to say.




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