of age/ twenty/ two years.

of age/ twenty/ two years.

I turned twenty recently,

in the past,

I would be “of age.”

No debutante, am I.

I don’t feel more adult than I did

a week ago,

but looking back, I know I am.

two years ago

this blog began as

a place to

vent my spleen,

show my poor, lacerated teenage heart

to an anonymous and unknown audience.

Unbeknownst to you readers, I am more adult now.

Two years ago,

or even a year ago,

I would agonize over text messages to boys who ultimately did not matter,

composing them scores of love and affection that could never be reasonably returned.

Now I agonize over emails to recruiters,

and currently I am more anxious about

gaining a job this summer and a lease for next fall

than my nonexistent lovers.

I loved the balloons,

they were perfect when I chose them at 17, when I turned 18, and still good

when flew into 19.

19.

Brick wall, mountain to climb.

Window to jump through,

doors to lock.

Chances to take,

friends to make.

People to meet,

hands to shake,

hands to hold.

Felt abject terror,

love, grief, and compassion

after I turned 19.

Good bye 19.

I turned 20 recently.

Thank you for reading Poems by her.

Today is the two-year anniversary of its birth,

and I want to say thank you, whether you are a first time reader

or have followed me through the rollercoaster of absences and depression and pure joy and poems.

Thank you!

summers long ago I

summers long ago I

sitting under the joshua tree oh so quietly

singing disney songs and just having fun

and not worrying about beingsmart enough,

or cool enough.

many summers here,

and i’m still in love with you.

sunsets, services, tossing rocks.

hugs with jessie, advice from lara,

love from all.

thanks for it all.

unafraid.

unafraid.

“Helen! Helen! A pipe burst! The cabin flooded! We have to move all of our stuff!” my roommate, Cassie, shouted from our porch. I can see that she’s already moved some of our belongings to the front porch. I cross the porch and step through the narrow doorway. There’s barely an 2 inches of water, but the soaked sheets and books are already sending me spiraling back into my memories.

I’m now six years old, not seventeen. My dad just woke me up in the middle of the night, and I don’t know why. He lifts me out of bed and when I’m pressed to his shoulder, I see my dresser is floating. It’s only then that I realize that Dad is walking through a lot of water. I’m really scared. Dad carries me into my parent’s room, and drops me onto the floating bed where Mom is lying. Mommy is very, very pregnant. I can tell she’s scared too. I cuddle with Mom while Dad gathers our most important belongings, using my plastic toy chest as a ferry. Money; passports; my birth certificate; my favorite stuffed animal, a green dinosaur named Dino, that played “You are My Sunshine” when wound up; an emergency lantern with some batteries; and probably more things that I don’t remember. It’s still raining outside, the water is rising in our apartment. Mom and I count the batteries for the lantern and put them in. Dad goes to sleep, but Mom and I stay up. We’re too scared. Eventually, someone comes to get us. One of the front desk ladies. The water is lower, so it’s okay to open the door. It’s summer time, and last week Mom got me new yellow swimming shoes as a present. They’re still in their bag, floating around. I put them on, and then we’re outside our apartment, walking. Mom is holding my hand as we walk up the stairs. I don’t remember where we sleep. We’re in a higher floor of the apartment complex. When we wake up, it’s sunny. The lady gives me some cereal to have for breakfast, but no milk. It starts getting really fuzzy here. We go back to the apartment. There are a lot of people in our apartment. There are wet, yucky mattresses stacked up all over the sidewalk. It smells bad. Our carpet is soaking wet, and when I step on it, the water is brown. Our neat, happy apartment looks horrible. Piles of dirt and our belongings are everywhere. My dad’s books are soaked. I never saw our piano again. The armchair in the living room that Daddy and I would pretend was a pirate ship: gone. I wasn’t allowed in my room, but I know that all of my stuffed animals and toys were soaked. Mommy cried when she saw that all of her beautiful scrapbooks and photos were ruined. The white table that Grandpa made, with all of the pretty butterflies and fairies and flowers stencils painted on it in pink: gone. Many of our favorite, most precious things: gone, taken by the flood.

“Helen!” I start. Lynzi, my other roommate, has been asking me to take the squeegee. I push the water from under our bunk beds while she moves our luggage onto the porch. Revelle and Leora won’t be back till ten, so we have to save their stuff for them. “Don’t forget the ukelele,” I remind Lynzi. There’s water everywhere. Our porch is a mess of shoes, luggage and instruments. I have to focus on the task at hand, I have to be unafraid.